In The Key of B: Crossfire

Woman - Lonely Train FavimI use to wonder if history really was capable of repeating itself. In all my years of living, it’s been starting to feel like that a lot more lately as I’m finding myself repeating the first few months of 2010 again, and am nervous of what will lie ahead for me. Writer and Nobel Prize laureate, William Faulkner once said that the past is not dead. In fact, he says it’s not even past. Does that mean once you feel something, that feeling remains? Or did it never really leave? We all know the age-old quote by Spanish philosopher and novelist, George Santayana that goes, “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.”

Well, I remember the past and have done everything since 2010 to learn from my mistakes. That being said, I’m finding myself retreating into a similar spot now. A darker spot. One where I am extremely heartbroken and don’t see a way out of it but have a vague idea where I’m going to end up. You see the thing is, as much as I try to hide it and however many layers I put on, my heart wants something it can’t have. And it’s not good. It’s upsetting and in many facets, not practical. And though I don’t feel sorry for myself, I do feel hopeless about it just because I’m not going to really live like everyone else. I honestly didn’t think I would still be in this particular spot after working so hard to rid such thoughts and feelings. I have done everything to distract myself, to move on with others, but I’m back here and for some odd reason, it hurts more so. There are times I feel an empty spot in my heart and sadly, know that I’m stuck with it.

Five years ago was a hard time for me, but four years ago was a tough time for me. The very thing that made me happy, gave me hope and left me believing in fairy-tales, came crashing down with news I didn’t expect to ever hear. Then came the summer, when things started looking up and made me believe in serendipity but that too was short and was a flash in the pan. Instead, much to his wording, it was cursed from the beginning. Such notions made me wonder what I had done to upset the order of things in life. If I was being punished for opening up my heart, but also realized deep down, we were incredibly alike. We’ve always been so much alike. More importantly though, the timing showed how unfortunate this pairing was from the start. There is a song that takes me back to the spring and summer of 2010 that reminds me of the journey I’ve had to take with him. It hasn’t been easy and though for a while I kept a lot of secrets on my own pillow, there’s nothing more beautiful than friendship, right?

I don’t know how far he feels about certain things, but with our plans blowing up in our faces, it was a really sad time for me. I can still hear myself crying. I had this battle not just with myself, but the prospect of time and how cruel it could be. During these crisp August nights in Chicago during that summer, I would be lying awake, watching the stars and wondering about him as on the fateful time we set aside for ourselves. It made me think we were each paying our own dues and then years later, progressed to the thought of divine intervention and saving us from the crossfire of two realms.

Je regrette souvent que je n’ai jamais conduit à l’aéroport quand j’ai eu la chance et je suis désolé.

And when the hardest part is over we’ll be here
And our dreams will break the boundaries of our fears

Photo credit: Favim

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