The last ten months have proven to be quite the challenge for me. I’ve always prided myself on being someone who is open with her heart, but lately I’ve been protecting it more than anything. I feel a lot like a parent who grows nervous as my heart walks along the sidewalks of life, runs through the fields of hope and soon become apprehensive of this small organ innately commanding affection for life, people, and the warmth of sunshine that affirms hope. Worst of all, I grow ever-so protective over my heart believing something because it sounds like the prospect of a dream I once had–one that I know can never be fulfilled. You see, my heart was left to fend for itself on an ugly battlefield and with wounds still open, I often feel I am still in mourning for the loss of its bright-eyed innocence.
It’s never easy to talk about him. I can’t talk about him for several major reasons. While some of my friends are not fond of him, I really couldn’t care any less. I know him well enough, and though I was left all alone and mangled in a desolate spot, I cannot rid this heart of mine of any memory or affection despite lying to him that I was left empty. That might have been the hardest thing for me to do—lie. Why do we lie to those we love? In my instance, it’s been because of giving him the fresh start he deserves and have him working towards what I feel he’s always wanted—rather, needed in order to avoid repeating family history.
I was listening to Lea Michele’s album “Louder” and it’s phenomenal. I was suggested to give it a listen by my darling good friend, Elizabeth who also wrote an amazing review of Michele’s album over at her self-titled blog. It’s a great album and a wonderful debut by the Glee star. It’s incredibly personal and though a lot of the songs affected me, “Battlefield” is the one I’ve resonated with. With him, it’s been a lot about understanding the truth behind his actions and words. There’s a saying that goes, “perception is reality” and it makes me realize the little world we built for ourselves, each of us hiding under the covers, giggling, and talking about everything was nothing more than a passing moment for him. Almost like, a commercial in his real life show. In terms of Michele’s lyrics, “Does illusion count for something we hide?” I’ve often wondered why I was treated the way I was when I know wholeheartedly that he has a deep, yet broken care for me. I sometimes feel I’m still on this battlefield, walking through the pieces of a broken heart and hurting myself on what only I can blame myself for. It is my heart, after all.
Once lust has turned to dust
And all that’s left’s held breath
Forgotten who we first met
What seemed like a good idea has turned into a battlefield…