I had my first visible panic attack the other day, much to my lack of knowledge. I didn’t know the symptoms I was experiencing were actually signs of an oncoming attack. Upon discussing it with a good friend today, only did I realize it. And now part of me blames myself as I may be the culprit for my own shortcomings.
With the events taking place these last few weeks and frankly, since the start of the new year—it’s been quite a lot to handle and there are many parts of me depressed and just left saddened. My mother fell at work and cracked her ribs, forcing her to take a leave of absence off work; and then just two Fridays ago, my father met with a car accident that found him and his passenger sandwiched between a truck and a reckless driver in her Mercedes who was too busy on her phone to notice the red light. Thank God he’s okay, along with the passenger but it’s just been such an incredible amount of tension building up. Not to mention, I celebrate a birthday this month and for the first time in a few years, I just don’t care about myself.
These past few weeks have been extremely heavy. The last time I felt this helpless was when my sister was undergoing surgery from Crohn’s in 2009. It was a life and death situation, one I couldn’t handle very well. I was fortunate to discover a great friend at that time—someone of whom I miss now. He was someone I could continuously run to when I had to make a decision or calm myself down. He has this beautiful huge heart that just sort of hugs you, and throws every negative notion away. He’s beautiful at seeing the light. I’ve never been that type of person but since he’s been gone, all I feel is this never ending negativeness that surrounds my life.
Am I selfish for wanting to have someone like that in my life all the time? I did some things in my past that I’m not proud of, but he was able to see past them and for that, I just miss him because I really truly feel, despite everything, how much he cares for me as he says and how he gets me more than anyone, he’s the one guy I know I can trust. A lot of the men I’ve come across in my waking life or online, or even dated have turned out to be in it for one thing.
As per a recommendation from a friend, I’ve been listening to a lot of Nine Inch Nails and I will always appreciate quality music with personable lyrics. I’ve had “All That Could Have Been” from the 2002 Still EP on high rotation. They’re a great band and a lot of their songs have been stuck in my head lately, especially this one which has really been speaking to me. The song peeks at the concept that “nothing in life is sadder than what might have been”. It’s devastating, but it’s a thought a lot of people embark on every day. And with the lives he and I hold separately, I can’t help but ponder if things could have indeed been different. In the end, I’ve only ever wanted friendship before anything because I have a lot to work on within myself.
And run far away
Far as you can see
And happiness and peace of mind
Were never meant for me
And promises and left behinds
If only I could see
You meant everything
Everything to me