A few years ago, I conjured up a list of reasons to the one true love of my life with the intent of sending it off to him and vanishing from his existence. Of course, he was starting to act up like a toddler in a high-chair, crying and whining about the never-changing circumstances he was meeting in his life, and manipulated me into staying. As the friend I was, I pacified him for many days and nights, soothing his nerves the best way I could. But as I saw a pattern of duplicity and things weren’t adding up, I began distancing parts of myself from him.
After all, he was never one to make up his mind. And in all fairness, he was confused about his direction and bravely considered the healthy choice that his parents made all those years ago.
But as a child rooted in fear of abandonment, he was growing fickle with hopes to hold onto both lives he deeply cared for. He was one of those men who had one foot in water, one foot on land. He’s still like that today—or at least how he was for the last two years as we interacted like ghosts.
For years and especially in the past few months, my love for him has been devalued by a lot of people. Of course, I have one or two of my closest friends that I confide in that have told me otherwise and understand where I’ve come from in this six year battle of pulling petals. But at the end of the day, as lonely as this goddamn love is, what matters more is what I believe and know. In many ways, I’m struggling on my own with this love I carry for him in my heart—and I know I always will, despite it all. While there are a bounty of reasons and most times, still undefinable and yet growing, whether it works or doesn’t, this person will always be the love of my life.
And while he might not think it, I have learned and trusted by my own gut, that in the past two years, with or without me, I linger in his memory yesterday, today, or tomorrow, despite time or distance. And in those quiet moments, amid the solitude of his own mind is the truest he will ever feel.
As writing helps me heal from heartbreak, here I share a list that I never sent. Obviously, it is a longer list with more than 17 points, spread out neatly within the margins on the pages of my poetry journal. But looking back at it today makes me realize, no matter how far I push myself from the situation or far I am pushed, I will always love him. Despite all the lies and hurt he inflicted on me, I still love him. He’s perfect and imperfect in every possible way, but I have deep affection for him. And it’s not pathetic, nor something to pity. In life, we always find one true love, whether it’s right or wrong—and he’s just been my person. I’d rather live honestly and on my own, than in denial like one of those decade long unions that has its fair share of ins and outs, often riddled with lies and lined with indifference from two very insecure and dishonest individuals. Moreover with a cliché example like that, I’d rather live with no one, than to live with the wrong one.
This love I know I have for him goes beyond physical. It goes beyond his looks and charm. It goes beyond his brain and wit. It goes beyond his position and career. It is everlasting and pure. It is kind and selfless. It is honest and content. And it drives me far toward my personal meaning and purpose in this life, as I believe he has credit in who I am today and the woman I’ve become.
- Because you know me even when I struggle to know myself.
- That your passion for the arts and the world drives me beyond admiration and to a point of hunger and motivation for my own.
- Your chin and all its adorableness.
- How we are mind-readers and say or do the exact same thing, at the exact same time.
- I love how talking to you means I learn something new every day.
- You always make me laugh or smile even at times when I couldn’t find it in me.
- I love your light snoring.
- The fact that there is nobody else in the world like you and nobody will ever come close.
- For the past six years you harbored this dynamic not out of ignominy, but through a self-conscious realization that you wanted something more—and this was the truest you ever were.
- How quickly we turn each other on whether on a good night or bad night, and how effortless the rest is.
- Even though we have some similarities and differences, you never try to change me, and let me be myself (and vice versa).
- How you tell me stories about your childhood and I can then imagine how you were as a kid, growing up.
- How you call me sweet things and use a tone that shelters and warms my very being.
- The fact that you are as much of a dreamer as me.
- Because loving you gives me a new sense of freedom and a renewed energy with an ability to do just about anything. Despite what you say, you pushed me to take on the world, speak up, pursue my own dreams and be my own person. How can I not love you for that?
- No matter how far apart we were and are, when together, you are ever present, absorbing me completely.
- Your incredibly big heart, despite you closing up out of fear.
…but of course, fear is just negative imagination. And his runs wild.
As I look back at this list, thinking back to that summer where he lost someone he loved and I was on the path to losing my sister due to a deteriorating health, I think about our meeting. In all fairness, he was the one who found me. And while I still don’t know how exactly it happened or why he felt compelled to move forward, I know it was for a reason. I have a steadfast faith in God that no path is ever taken that didn’t mean something more—especially if it came from a place of sincerity. A place of honest friendship—one that saw sunrise half an hour later most nights. We were right where we were meant to be at that exact time in our lives, and I regret nothing.
My heart made its choice all those years ago, still holding true today. Despite how he feels and however many times he fights me on it, boxes me into a corner saying he never asked for it, it happened. It chose him. And while there is nothing right or wrong in love, wherever it exists, then there is nothing but love and I’m okay with treading that path alone because I know it will guide me where I need to be. #HBD