In The Key of B: Can’t Let Go

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As I was walking to work the other day, I caught myself staring at someone who was the split image of B. Or so, I thought so at first glance. When I gave it another take, I realized they didn’t share similar features because my B’s chin was my oasis. I could live in there and kiss it all day. I longed for it. It was one of his cutest features. While it made me smile briefly and jog my memory back to more pleasant moments between the two of us, I thought back to how he treated me. How he made me cry so many nights. How he lied to me. How ugly he became towards me due to his personal fear and the prospect of loss.

I sat down on a bench looking at the cherry blossom trees we had once walked by together, kissing under a bright warm sun in what was now a dream. Suddenly, I felt a lump in my throat as my shoulders began to shake uncontrollably and I cried. On a beautiful day with crisp blue skies, alone in a city I love, my chest felt like it could have broken all over again. While I feel strong most days, it’s moments like this one that made me realize my own truth: I will love him all my life.

While I’m angry and mad at how he treated me, I know I was someone who gave him heaven on a platter full of my love, thoughts and body. God granted him my heart and  B never went unloved for a single moment. And he always knew that, which is why we went on for so long. Through private moments, emails, cards and letters, giggles and kisses, I gave him everything he never got and will never get because as he put it, she can never be me. Though he is weak and choosy only due to childhood abandonment issues, I often pray he could be stronger. Stronger than her too because she’s weaker than him, not to mention doltish as her insecurities stem from an arrogant righteousness over her relatives.

It’s been months since it happened and thankfully, God has blessed me with work and school, blinders if you will, to distract myself. But as time goes on and in quiet moments, the days grow largely empty without him and it’s this feeling that drives me to know I will always love him because my heart can’t let him go. Not infatuation or lust, it has always been a genuine love. He and she, master manipulators and the scared bairns that they are, were too afraid to confront such circumstances and decided upon a moment again to decide their future.

But whatever the future holds, I will always be in love with him—my best friend. Though some days I feel lost without him, I’d rather be broken on the inside than empty and am proud of myself for opening up my heart to sincere love. And I’d certainly rather be shattered with a broken heart than hollow on the inside. At least I was the braver one. And as I told him two Novembers ago, what I feel for him fills me up with such emotion, determination and perseverance. But as broken, scared and insecure as he is, B still makes me want to be better everyday and that’s how I know it’s love. No one has ever given me that effect. Boyfriends here and there, but B was the truth my heart felt.

She can have him. She really can. But as B knows and through our own promise from one night away from the world, I will always be in the shadows of his life, always, always loving him. Sure, she being an emotional and vacuous person harassed me with trifling words that my love was nothing and meant nothing, and yada, yada. But honestly, she can say and believe what she wants because we can’t blame her for living in a rose-colored glasses kind of Disney lifestyle with the dozens of caged animals representative of her own narrow mentality. That said, she will never get to know what it was like between the two of us. I’m not crazy, stupid, or naive. I just have a simple heart that felt connected to B’s and still does. I know him. I know he lives so much of his life in his head, theorizing an outcome and jumping the gun, but spends so much time alone because of it. He’s an enigma, and I like to think I know him well enough to know that our relationship, despite his opposition due to an unparalleled fear rooted in abandonment meant something to him, hence six years. And he will always be that way no matter what happens and who pops in. Well, actually, there’s something I know that neither B nor her know. But that aspect will be the exception for the grand rewire.

I despise myself some days for not being able to stop loving him because I think back to the pain he caused me and I know I deserve better, especially better than her. To live in a relationship of doubt and deceit? Yuck. Testament to her spineless character—and his too. But even though I look like silver compared to the gold trophy at home he can show off to friends of a quintessential life with picket fences, she has to live with the fact that she will never live up to what he and I have because memory is ever present. The thing is, you can never replace anyone because everyone is made up of such beautiful specific details. And in the mind of B, being alone is better than sitting next to a lover and feeling ever lonely. So while I’m away from the two of them, B in his quiet moments and evenings of solitude and video games has a way of holding on despite she the clod thinking otherwise.

God lets everything happen for a reason and this relationship between him and I was not one made in vain. That I know is certain. I will never love the same and that’s on B. Of course though, he knows this and as he told me, lives with it constantly. If he and I are similar like he’s constantly shared, perhaps it’s been hard for him to let go too.

With my hands gripping the seat of the bench as I looked down at my feet, it was in that moment I realized a memory’s never really finished even if time goes by. And time is a lie.

* * * * *

Adele: “Can’t Let Go”

When did it go wrong, I will never know
I have loved you all my life
How did it slow down, I go round and round
Thinking about it all the time

I gave you heaven on a platter baby
I gave you everything you never gave me
I never lied and I never faked it
Only wanted for you to save me
This love, it ain’t over yet
There’s too much that I haven’t said

Did you find the note that I wrote?
I hid it in the seam of your coat
It was hard to write with a lump in my throat
Do you even know that I can’t let go

Why were you so cold, let the truth be told
Tell me was it all for the thrill?
What was I thinking, I gave you everything
But you still went for the kill

I gave you heaven on a platter baby
I gave you everything you never gave me
I never lied and I never faked it
Only wanted for you to save me

Did you find the note that I wrote?
I hid it in the seam of your coat
It was hard to write with a lump in my throat
Do you even know that I can’t let go

Oooh sometimes I feel like I’m in the dark
Oooh I thought I died in your arms

Did you find the note that I wrote?
I hid it in the seam of your coat
It was hard to write, I had a lump in my throat
Do you even know that I can’t let go

Hope you know, I won’t let go.

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10 comments

  1. It has been a month as you stated and it is too soon. One day you won’t love him anymore. Loving him will be a distant memory like all the moments you spent with him.
    This takes time. It won’t happen overnight.
    It is OK to stare at other people that look like him. Time will heal and you know that.
    Now you have to go trough the phases of grieving post breakup. If you have hopes, you should still keep moving on.
    It is good that school and work are keeping you busy.
    We all on the same boat :)

    1. Unfortunately from the looks of her past posts she has a hole in her heart that can take forever or never to heal. In the end it depends on how she will carry forward. She may have found true love but he just isn’t brave enough to accept her love and his “own truth”.

      1. If she has a broken soul…you cannot fix that. Nobody can.
        Often women are with the wrong men and they realize it later. It takes time. A true relationship is love and be loved

    2. Hi there SpicePinkie, thanks for your comment. It’s actually been five months since it happened. So while I know it will take time to siphon through all the emotions, it’s been relatively hard to move forward, especially with the unwritten circumstances of our relationship. Again, thank you for sharing such kind words.

    3. True but it goes both ways. Men are also often with the wrong women and never realize it because of insecurity. We just end up settling and afraid to leave. Relationships are one thing and love is another. I was married but scared to get out because my wife was all I knew. I was impulsive and didn’t know what love really was and through time we outgrew each other. I made some bad decisions in my marriage but that’s on me and I regret being so scared because I lost what I really wanted.

  2. From reading your blog posts I can see you have a lot of love for this guy. I’m certain he knows it and feels it everyday. Even if he moves on you will always be in his thoughts because you spent that much time together. We men take a while to get over past loves too so don’t feel bad if you miss him.

    On the other hand you may have found true love in him and he may have found it in you which is why you say he’s lonely while in another relationship. That solitude will always remain because the others won’t be you. Your a very strong woman and know you deserve better but know that you also raised a bar that no other woman in his life can meet because he found what he wanted in you. Unfortunately some of us are too scared to admit our wrongs for the truth. Love is hard. It means being vulnerable and if he’s been that way with you it’s because he loved you in his own way and will always too. Unless he’s a psychopath those moments when he’s drifting off or looking into space when with another woman know you’re in his thoughts. Trust me. It happens to me all the time with my own “best friend”. Hang in there.

      1. Anytime. :)
        Keep doing what you do. I don’t know if it helps or heals your broken heart but keep writing.

  3. I can relate deeply with seeing similarities in the one who has your heart but is no longer in your life. Currently, I’m sitting outside and I’ve thought I’ve seen my ex at least 10 times. I was aimlessly walking through the bookstore yesterday and stumbled upon the book “Getting Past Your Breakup”. I’m only on chapter two so I can’t back the book entirely, but it’s definitely a good read thus far. Not sure if you like reading, but from one heart break to another, it gets two thumbs up.

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