In The Key of B: Wonderwall

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Do you ever get a feeling that there’s so much you want to say, but don’t know how to say it? As the months go by, I’ve started to feel very stunted in my emotions. It’s not that I’ve said everything I needed to say and I’m done. It’s more like, there’s something on the tip of my tongue and I just can’t seem to put my finger on its exactness. It’s hard. It makes you feel like screaming some days, shouting and throwing as many punches as you can. When I wasn’t as busy a few months ago, kickboxing was especially helpful. I felt a little more in control of my being and mostly my heart. I was distracted and it helped to be that way.

But because work and school has been super crazy, I’m starting to feel a tad suffocated when it comes to really sharing how I feel. Some days, I feel so vulnerable and fragile that if you touch me or look at me a certain way, I could burst in tears. As usual, I know these emotions and pain stem from a dark place. A place I no longer care much for because it’s been broken by someone I loved very much.

As I was emptying out my inbox earlier today, all the emails I received from B left a smile on my face. After reading them, seeing the sweet rapport we shared, the photos he sent, I hit delete because in many ways, B has died. I have to treat him like he’s dead. I think he would want it that way. He is no longer the strong, beautiful man I fell in love with. Instead, he is a hypocritical coward who bears no spine. And when it comes to her, he is as pusillanimous as can be out of abandonment issues. But most of all, as heartbreaking and crushing as it is, he is a liar. Conversely, as one of my favorite authors Fyodor Dostoyovsky says, “Lying to ourselves is more deeply ingrained than lying to others.”

B has always lied to himself and others, denying his deepest thoughts and wants because of trepidation for wanting something he can’t have–or seems too perfect to have. It’s a frightening personality trait to maintain because it hinders your growth. It’s stagnant. But even with the thought of treating him like he’s dead, I worry about him every day and his well-being. It makes me wonder though, if I love someone who is like that and treated me that way, what does that make me?

Though the two of us parted ways, we didn’t go without throwing a few jabs at each other. Each jab feeling as if it were a cold, sharp knife, digging into every moment we both mutually cherished. And when the digging into wounds and sentiments we valued didn’t seem to take effect, we began throwing punches. Because of what he said to me, it throws everything that was “real” away. Despite spending six years with him, having him call me and I call him as we’d listen to each other intently, and knowing he revered every email of mine, even while bored on trips to Colorado and Alabama, it was all just building up to a sentiment that turned into fear. Fear for what he wanted most but couldn’t admit it because life was what it was.

Since nothing was real to him and had no meaning, neither was the following conversation…

JAN. 1, 2010
He: youre my wonderwall tania
Me: yes and you're mine
He: come over here now!
Me: ahhhhhhh i want tooo! you know i do!
He: please
Me: oh ______ you know i want to
He: pretyy please 
Me: i'm here now for you
He: its not the same
Me: i know. i promise, some day
He: i cant wait till i get to meet you 
Me: and i'll give you a bear hug. i can't wait either :)

Have you ever wondered what a wonderwall is? I use to wonder that as a child. When the song came out in 1995, it was my absolute favorite. My sister had posters of Oasis all over her room’s walls and I use to sit with her, listening to these tunes but wondering what in the world they were singing about. As I got older, the songs started having more meaning, particularly “Wonderwall.” And then when I met B, the lightning struck. We were each other’s “wonderwalls.” Sure, am I living in a moment? Probably. But at least I didn’t live in a moment for a decade and call it happiness. If anything, I’m on my way to healing. One of my best friends said if you spent more than five years with someone, recovery is half of that. Welp, that’s going to suck for some since I’ll just keep blogging about the brown eyed boy.

Music has a funny way of being open to interpretation, just like art. Speculation over the years has surfaced that “wonderwall” is basically something that comes into your life at the exact moment of need, while bandmates say it’s more about love—finding that one person who fits that void in you. As per an interview from Liam Gallagher on MuchMusic a few years ago (when it was still called that…), he changed his stance and said it was a song about feelings we experience when we get through the initial stages of limerance (love and infatuation). Like a drug, it’s the constant shuffle between euphoria and agony that a person can make you feel. When I asked a friend of mine (a musician) what he thought it meant, he called it a song about “unselfish love.” The guy, obsessive in nature (to a friendly degree) is crazy about the girl he’s singing to but her not being with him is causing him pain. With his own struggles, he feels this girl is the one to save him from the life he doesn’t want. And in terms of the “roads” sung about, the two are together but running through winding roads that keep them further apart.

But what do I know? I’m just drinking my love away and listening to music on a Friday night.

* * * *

Oasis: “Wonderwall”

Today is gonna be the day
That they’re gonna throw it back to you
By now you should’ve somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don’t believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now

Back beat, the word is on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I’m sure you’ve heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don’t believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now

And all the roads we have to walk are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
But I don’t know how

Because maybe
You’re gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
You’re my wonderwall

Today was gonna be the day
But they’ll never throw it back to you
By now you should’ve somehow
Realized what you’re not to do
I don’t believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
About you now

And all the roads that lead you there were winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
But I don’t know how

I said maybe
You’re gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
You’re my wonderwall

I said maybe
You’re gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
You’re my wonderwall

I said maybe
You’re gonna be the one that saves me
You’re gonna be the one that saves me
You’re gonna be the one that saves me.

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