The Ripples of an Unfound Man

While working on an assignment a few days ago, I came across this quote from an unknown author that read, “Until a man finds himself, he’ll ruin every woman he comes across.” Now, I don’t particularly agree with that quote per se because I think a man can only ruin a woman if she lets him. But with that being said, I do see some truth in it—especially when it comes to the unfound man and the unfound woman, brimming with insecurity.

Although, I’ve been in more than one relationship, I can openly say I’ve only ever loved purely and most innocently once. Frankly, still in love with the guy too. At this point, I’m thinking I’ll end up treading the Jane Austen route. And honestly, how could I not still be in love with him? He is perfect and imperfect in every way and his being fills my soul. He’s also the type of person to inspire the poet in you, make you venture into the deep, dark unknown. Beautifully and perhaps through kismet, he also drove me to follow my dreams. School, writing, all of it. If it wasn’t for him in my life, I never would have really put my dreams into action and been confident to share what The Hudsucker is today with readers.

Unfortunately, he was a liar and dehumanized me to people in his life when I was not around. A big rotten liar, he was. That’s the part that breaks my heart the most. And while that’s another subject (and memoir perhaps), it’s safe to say habitual liars like him never change—no matter who they’re with (or randomly, decide to have a baby with to safeguard the veneers of their world). The thing is, these types of liars are timid and it’s a genetic character of their personality and upbringing that strengthens in any opportunity they can find.

But to the woman in love and still attracted to the man who is in the midst of discovering himself while screwing up over and over, I think there is a big lesson for her to learn about herself. In other words, I’m basically speaking to the half-wit pretentious oddity in his life right now. The gravid who made a goaded decision on a whim and like clockwork, created a miscellany in January only to send it to me a month later as if to childishly spite me (like, wtaf—vous avez besoin de grandir). The one who doesn’t know how to use words effectively and like he states, is overly dramatic like the rest of her pleb “trucker” family. Her.

With regards to the quote, this is what I assume and understand. Whoever we are attracted to unconsciously is usually the perfect trigger for us to bring forth all our mental and emotional psychology that is usually unresolved. We go through motions, multiple relationships (sometimes with men or women named Christie), and ultimately, the relationship that we choose with its ups and downs becomes a trigger brought to our conscious awareness that we either process, integrate, mature from or continue living with. And we keep attracting those kinds of people like a game.

In the case of her, she is the self-righteous savior attracting a person she thinks she can save over and over, separation after separation, fight after fight, Google search after Google search, because of her own personal weaknesses (and low self-esteem). And of course, past experiences, like seeing her father marry a billion times and considering him a failure. But, you can see it in her body language too—something he blatantly detests. In every photo, this savior of a woman is illustrating her insecurity through touch. From open-eye kisses that feel piteous on his skin that make her more of a spectator than a participant in the relationship, to the overtly existent possessiveness in the placement of her hands on or around his shoulders, neck and back illustrating her psychological inclination to a display of territorial ownership. That, or she just doesn’t feel like she’s in his league so she has to claim her “property” to show up others. He’s basically the trophy she gained after clawing her way out of a primordial bubble of a boondock lifestyle that hasn’t quite left her—and never will.

Nonetheless, she is a pill. And yet, despite his qualms and subjecting himself after work to hours and hours of online gaming and porn, they both subject themselves to a relationship that isn’t real. One that they have to hold on to because of the broken relationships they watched growing up in their own households. The one their arrogance and pride feeds into a setting of failure, and commonly associated with the class they find their families in.

The thing about man is we have habitual natures that will keep playing out unless we make a conscious effort and resolve to change them. I don’t believe that anyone can ruin me other than myself. I give myself that much respect and love because no one knows me like I do. I’ve grown so much more after he and I fought it out earlier this year. Sure, I can love him till kingdom come and write a gazillion more poems about how much I adore him, and sure, occasionally, I’ll still take a peak at the nudes he sent me. (I mean, with a body like that, how could you not, right?) But I’ve also become much more smarter about relationships compared to him (and a million times more than her because honestly, which sane person decides what the fuck she did—it’s called denial, babe). I’ve learned from this relationship with him that I’m much better than him, smarter than him and he never ruined me. In fact, he made me stronger because of the intentional pain he caused. He made me so much more wiser too. Like, I’ve been able to channel so much of that pain through writing and it helps because not only is it cathartic for me to vent in a therapeutic way, but it helps others too which is both humbling and appreciative in the sense of resonance.

Of course, that goes without saying I’m also very blessed and God has been very kind to me that I can just wipe my hands clean of this whole thing with “no collateral damage” as she puts it dramatically again. Seriously—come to think of it, he was right. She is super dramatic. But while I forgive her for being a bully to me and basically shitting out of her mouth in my direction, I actually feel rather sad for her. So sad. Because like him, she has not found herself. And she really won’t ever find herself because finding yourself also brings change and no one likes change. But especially with this new chapter in her life that has made her doubtful or at least, the face she puts on to gain sympathy from others. It’s as if she lost her faith in God too, despite getting an adult baptism that he found to be odd. She will wear shirts that he finds kind of radical in nature that read, “A Blood Donor Saved My Life” and a Bible verse on the back, but then she cannot back up her faith in God and the circumstances to trust herself and a future without distress. Instead, she thinks rationally and decides on a moment again. The same sort of moment she decided upon while being a teenager. How immature is that?

And that’s where she and I are different.  My faith in God has shown me to forgive her for the mental pain, but it has also shown me how much more stronger I am than her and I will always be because I’m not as insecure as she is. For months she wanted me to stop blogging because she couldn’t stand stuff being out there, but little does she know in her immature Disney world with pets named after Alice in Wonderland characters that this was my life too. I was hurt just as much as she was. And I’m not an idiot to make extreme measures and safeguard a relationship by throwing everything under the rug that caused me pain. Sure, confronting pain is hard, but it’ll just keep festering if left unattended. Conversely, her actions show through her arrogant nature that I deserve better than her and don’t deserve to be with a shady, sneaky liar (paraphrasing from what she calls him so lovingly) who is afraid to express his true self. I don’t need to be with someone out of insecurity the way she does because she doesn’t want to end up like her mom, her dad, and her sisters. In many ways, she was a catalyst for me too. And while he’s growing up and she has to deal with the repercussions of a man child as he thumbs his way through life on video game consoles, I get to be the person I want to be because I had the chance to figure myself out independently, without their mutual lingering fear of abandonment holding each other back.

He will be her weight to carry. Unfortunately, he will not be able to find himself because he is scared to be himself. And because of that, they will continue being unhappy like he has told me so many times despite the new chapter arriving in an ugly little house bearing red shutters, an open field contradictory to their thinking and a neighborhood of elderly people. The two of them will continue hiding behind facades and keeping up appearances as it’s what they both do best. I mean, let’s be honest: Boyfriend was an actor, so he loves acting whether it’s with me, with her, with his job, with his family and friends. He loves playing dress-up because it’s more interesting to be someone you can’t be. Sadly, there were moments when I felt it in my very being that he was who he could be with me, and I know that wasn’t a lie. But after everything, the pain is in the feeling and the truth is in the paperwork.

Despite him not finding himself, a part of me will always love him. A part of me will always pray to God that he finds himself, that he is taken care of, loved the way he always wanted to be loved and more. Being mad at him for being a coward and a liar doesn’t banish the love I still have amidst the distress he’s created because as he told me repeatedly, he was never “some guy” to me. I know it despite what others want to believe and say. But until a man like him finds himself, ripples are going to be made and he really will ruin the woman he comes across. Knowing her, she’s going to let him ruin her because of her insecurities. He’s going to Casanova his way back into her heart and the days he’s not looking at her, when he’s not lying beside her, when his mind wanders off at dinner, he will be thinking of someone else and she will think of the comparisons he drew between her and me. And it’s going to hurt her. Over and over.

Maybe I’ll pray for her too. Pray for her strength, her well-being and peace. After all, we do love the same man.

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