Look at the stars fall down

Teddy Kelley - Unsplash 01

"So while turning in my sheets,
And once again I cannot sleep."

Monday morning started off on an awkward foot. I woke up at around 4:27 a.m. because someone crank called me. This hasn’t been the first time either. I have a funny feeling it’s the same crank caller who called me last year on my birthday, at the end of this past April and a few times this past May. But while I have an inkling of who it might be, I really don’t know who it is. Yet the thing is, I never get phone calls at this particular number, especially after midnight from an unknown caller and oddly enough these calls have been around the same time.

"There is no place I cannot go, 
 My mind is muddy but, 
 My heart is heavy does it show,
 I lose the track that loses me,
So here I go."

Could it be a coincidence? Probably not. I remember telling my best friend once there are no such things as coincidence. And hilariously enough, the same week I said that to him, two people he interviewed for one of his “passion projects” said the same thing. Is there no such thing as coincidence? That’s besides the point. Life and fate love screwing with us for shits and giggles, there’s no denying that.

That said, the part of me that trusts my intuition believes it might be him. But I can’t be too sure anymore. Doesn’t it suck when a (mutual) relationship you invest so much time and love in creates self-doubt? That’s not healthy, but at least I’m better off for knowing that.

"And here I go..."

I sat in my bed early this morning, pondering the possibility of him crank calling me. First a letter in March. Then phone calls? While I know in my heart he read my emails for months and months, and even kept a few of them as part of his hidden trove, it  might sound supernatural but there is a part of me that feels weak in such a lifeline now. I can’t explain it. I use to tell him that all my emails were a bookmark to our friendship and I know he acknowledged it. I put my heart into each message and because he and I were alike, I know he always read them. Sometimes even more than once, weeks later, a month later, sometimes even a year later. But suddenly, one day in early May, probably the first week or so—I felt it. I had another dream of him but this time, much more aberrant as he had carved a piece of my chest out and buried it with a box of letters as I watched on.

It’s no secret that I miss him, every damn aching day. (And I love you to the moon and back.) But let it be known that I never loved him because of who he was or who he wanted to become. I only ever loved him because of who he was determined to be. I got to see a beautiful, magical side to him through every conversation, every moment, every laugh and because he was my best friend first, I always made sure to remind him of his magic when he would forget it. And he forgets it often because he’s insecure despite me praying each night he gains strength to be a better, more emotionally adept individual. A friend once told me, the reason why he was so confused about our relationship (as he said so a few times) was because of my strength. Or as he would say, a love that “towers” over anyone he’s ever known.

It might sound emo and grade school to say how much I miss him or that I think of him between the quiet moments of nothingness, but I might consider myself lucky in some way. Missing him means I was blessed to have known someone so special. There are so many people who come into our lives and never leave our hearts, and those are the hardest to bid farewell to. I suppose in some way, I can be thankful in the serendipity or destiny that blessed me with knowing someone so beautiful and hard to say goodbye to. It might not go as planned and there are days where he makes me hate myself, like, truly and deeply, because this love is incomprehensible. But even if it’s not right and if love can’t be right, what can be right? Life is what it will be.

"I'm screaming at the top of my voice."

I could die tomorrow and he’d still have a place in my heart. How do you rid that? How do you fucking rid that?

Of course though, such an early wake-up call added to my exhaustion today. I could not get to bed after that happened because God knows I can’t sleep well. But between running around for work, writing and studying, Monday proved to be quite eventful. Another chapter in #adulting, I suppose. That said, it’s good for me because anything that keeps me busy or away from my own thoughts during the day is always welcomed. Not to mention, incredibly beneficial to my growth and career trajectory, which by the Grace of God, I am very blessed with. Right now though as tired as I am, I’m taking time before bed to stargaze a bit while out on my porch—and of course blog, which helps me unwind and reflect before the next day.

It is such a beautiful night right now. I sometimes wish I could just fall into the sky when I lay back looking at this beautiful yonder. Do you ever look up at the sky and wonder, who else is gazing with you? My only hope for a future I can embrace lately has been in the knowledge that somewhere in this world, or perhaps this great Midwestern state, under the same sky and stars there is someone else who understands this feeling of such heartbroken loss.

"Give me reason but don't give me choice.
'Cause I'll just make the same mistake again.
Saw the world turning in my sheets and once again I cannot sleep.
Walk out the door and up the street; look at the stars,
Look at the stars fall down,
And wonder where did I go wrong."
{Title and lyrics by James Blunt’s “Same Mistake“}
Photo Credit: Teddy Kelley/Unsplash

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