Life has been pretty crazy this year and proved a bit challenging. While I’ve thankfully kept myself busy with work and been jokingly called a “workaholic” by friends, there is some truth in that. I only care about working so much so I don’t have to give a shit about my feelings, nor confront them.
However, earlier this week I gave B some solid thought, wondered what he was up to, how he’s been doing and broke down in tears. I cried so hard, I fell straight back to sleep. Our relationship, as happy as it made me, was measured out in goodbyes. Each more harder than the last.
My dear sister mentioned that being a workaholic perhaps hasn’t helped me heal from the breakup and that putting in so many hours has only acted like a bandage. But I think diving headfirst into work and devoting long hours, despite being tired all the time, has actually made me much more self-aware. Not to mention, being in a relationship with B made me stronger, smarter and far more capable of knowing my worth when stepped outside the bubble.
I might not jump back into the dating pool for a long time, nor want to, but I’ve discovered from this particular relationship that rough times can turn us into a better, fiercer version of ourselves. One that isn’t naïve anymore, nor likely to live a life of rose-colored glasses like a certain bungle brain that has tried their hardest to keep me mum.
I was once told that bringing up all this past hurt was not only painful to read, but meant that I wasn’t one to look forward in life and just “dwelling.” Well, that person is a fucking idiot because that’s bullshit. Perhaps they’ve never been in touch with their own feelings because of what they have been through, who their parents were to one another, how their siblings deal with relationships, etc., but that’s their cross to bear. No matter what anyone tells you, there is nothing wrong with channeling hurt or anger in a creative, productive way that resonates with the brokenhearted.
Last month, the masses came for Taylor Swift after she released “Look What You Made Me Do,” the single off her forthcoming record, Reputation. Critics and some fans were calling it “petty,” but after hearing the song repeatedly and reading the lyrics, I felt it wasn’t just another cathartic track from her, but one that was much more cognizant and fearless. It was empowering, gave me goosebumps and injected the thought that I am in control of my own narrative, especially when it comes to pouring out my feelings of truth because out of pain can come purpose.
I have learned in the last seven-ish years that nothing happens by accident and no choice made is a mistake despite some saying it might have been. That is just cowardice. The choices we make come from a desire, a yearning for something more and they will always stem from the core of a soul. They will always mean something greater than what we can imagine, because they have their own purpose.
Now, is the song by Swift about getting revenge? Maybe on the surface, but within the depth of its lyrics it’s more about owning your feelings or putting them out there in an inspired, subtle way and be truthful to yourself first. Only the people who are guilty of hurting you are going to feel the pain and pinch of those words you share. People will come at you every day with pitchforks asking you to feel another way — one that doesn’t inconvenience them. However, it’s up to you to stand your ground and defend yourself. Even if that means you stand alone in those feelings of truth.
Your good name and reputation is in the hands of others and unfortunately, you don’t have control of that in life. But what you do have control of is your character, protecting who you are from those that will misunderstand your heart. Swift’s lyrics are fearless and plucky, adding a tongue-in-cheek quality to what many have heard about her in the news.
But I got smarter, I got harder in the nick of time
Honey, I rose up from the dead, I do it all the time
I’ve got a list of names and yours is in red, underlined
I check it once, then I check it twice, oh!
For years, when a man shares his experience in writing or on a stage, he’s considered brave. People will applaud him and quote him for years. But if a woman shares the same thing, she’s oversharing or over-emotional — or worst off, she’s just sheer psychotic and living in the past. And honestly, that comes from a place of sexism. It is wrong and it’s disgusting because it highlights narrow-minded, narcissistic thinking that points to those only considering themselves first.
While some were not impressed with the track, others were, including me who found some relation to the lyrics, especially when it comes to someone you trusted who began playing you. In that aspect, I find it incredibly empowering, letting you know it’s okay to feel your anger and want to get “revenge,” but in a way like Swift, who does it most creatively and with maturity.
More importantly, does it in a way that makes others nervous of your next move. Or makes them wonder, “how much longer should I be looking over my shoulder?”
The short answer, as long as it takes…
It’s been a while that I’ve shared a song for B, but this one is definitely perfect and right up his alley. For B, who sits God knows where, feeding into his old habits, I have one message for you…
Being a coward who makes careless decisions is a reflection of your insecurity.
Regardless of your position in life, you’re not the person you were meant to be.
Unfortunately, you’ll never learn since you think with your head, not your heart.
Neglecting your soul’s passions and creativity will be your greatest mistake.
Or, maybe you will prove me wrong someday because you have such a wonderful life…
The world moves on, another day, another drama, drama
But not for me, not for me, all I think about is karma
And then the world moves on, but one thing’s for sure
Maybe I got mine, but you’ll all get yours…