In The Key of B

In the Key of B: Look What You Made Me Do

Life has been pretty crazy this year and proved a bit challenging. While I’ve thankfully kept myself busy with work and been jokingly called a “workaholic” by friends, there is some truth in that. I only care about working so much so I don’t have to give a shit about my feelings, nor confront them.

However, earlier this week I gave B some solid thought, wondered what he was up to, how he’s been doing and broke down in tears. I cried so hard, I fell straight back to sleep. Our relationship, as happy as it made me, was measured out in goodbyes. Each more harder than the last.

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In The Key of B: Wonderwall

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Do you ever get a feeling that there’s so much you want to say, but don’t know how to say it? As the months go by, I’ve started to feel very stunted in my emotions. It’s not that I’ve said everything I needed to say and I’m done. It’s more like, there’s something on the tip of my tongue and I just can’t seem to put my finger on its exactness. It’s hard. It makes you feel like screaming some days, shouting and throwing as many punches as you can. When I wasn’t as busy a few months ago, kickboxing was especially helpful. I felt a little more in control of my being and mostly my heart. I was distracted and it helped to be that way.

But because work and school has been super crazy, I’m starting to feel a tad suffocated when it comes to really sharing how I feel. Some days, I feel so vulnerable and fragile that if you touch me or look at me a certain way, I could burst in tears. As usual, I know these emotions and pain stem from a dark place. A place I no longer care much for because it’s been broken by someone I loved very much.

As I was emptying out my inbox earlier today, all the emails I received from B left a smile on my face. After reading them, seeing the sweet rapport we shared, the photos he sent, I hit delete because in many ways, B has died. I have to treat him like he’s dead. I think he would want it that way. He is no longer the strong, beautiful man I fell in love with. Instead, he is a hypocritical coward who bears no spine. And when it comes to her, he is as pusillanimous as can be out of abandonment issues. But most of all, as heartbreaking and crushing as it is, he is a liar. Conversely, as one of my favorite authors Fyodor Dostoyovsky says, “Lying to ourselves is more deeply ingrained than lying to others.”

B has always lied to himself and others, denying his deepest thoughts and wants because of trepidation for wanting something he can’t have–or seems too perfect to have. It’s a frightening personality trait to maintain because it hinders your growth. It’s stagnant. But even with the thought of treating him like he’s dead, I worry about him every day and his well-being. It makes me wonder though, if I love someone who is like that and treated me that way, what does that make me?

Though the two of us parted ways, we didn’t go without throwing a few jabs at each other. Each jab feeling as if it were a cold, sharp knife, digging into every moment we both mutually cherished. And when the digging into wounds and sentiments we valued didn’t seem to take effect, we began throwing punches. Because of what he said to me, it throws everything that was “real” away. Despite spending six years with him, having him call me and I call him as we’d listen to each other intently, and knowing he revered every email of mine, even while bored on trips to Colorado and Alabama, it was all just building up to a sentiment that turned into fear. Fear for what he wanted most but couldn’t admit it because life was what it was.

Since nothing was real to him and had no meaning, neither was the following conversation…

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In The Key of B: Can’t Let Go

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As I was walking to work the other day, I caught myself staring at someone who was the split image of B. Or so, I thought so at first glance. When I gave it another take, I realized they didn’t share similar features because my B’s chin was my oasis. I could live in there and kiss it all day. I longed for it. It was one of his cutest features. While it made me smile briefly and jog my memory back to more pleasant moments between the two of us, I thought back to how he treated me. How he made me cry so many nights. How he lied to me. How ugly he became towards me due to his personal fear and the prospect of loss.

I sat down on a bench looking at the cherry blossom trees we had once walked by together, kissing under a bright warm sun in what was now a dream. Suddenly, I felt a lump in my throat as my shoulders began to shake uncontrollably and I cried. On a beautiful day with crisp blue skies, alone in a city I love, my chest felt like it could have broken all over again. While I feel strong most days, it’s moments like this one that made me realize my own truth: I will love him all my life. (more…)

In The Key of B: Love Will Tear Us Apart

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It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche

As mentioned earlier, I’ve been wondering about the well-being of my best friend lately. He’s been running rampant in my thoughts, especially leading to his birthday. But while I know he’s a big boy and can take care of himself, I also know he’s one for melodrama. Six years with him proved through everything he shared about his life, his circumstances, the people in it and the choices he has second-guessed, he’s the type of person who would listen to reflective music in his car.

Lately, I’ve been doing that too! It’s not a big deal, obviously. I think we all do it. It helps to really dig deep into words left unspoken. And while I’m a big fan of Talking Heads, I’ve been listening to Joy Division on and off for the past year. They rank high as one of my favorites and this past fall and winter, a lot of their tracks have been speaking to me and reaching beyond in the sentiment I know my best friend would share about his own life. One song in particular has stuck out as a track that reminds me of his relationship with someone. It’s a track called, “Love Will Tear Us Apart.”

As one of my favorites, it’s simply a song about love that never dies, but somehow through time and life, just fades away. Or as my best friend would say, a love that is unable to see eye-to-eye anymore. (more…)

In The Key of B: Cheek to Cheek

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As I sat with full despondence tonight on my couch with an ugly blanket, I began aimlessly channel surfing and stopped dead in my tracks when I saw the 1935 film, Top Hat. It’s always been one of my favorites, but lately memories catch up and stir a pot of emotions—and it isn’t easy on the heart. I suppose some old wounds never truly heal, and bleed again at the slightest memory. (more…)

In The Key of B: What Goes Around…Comes Around

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We’ve all heard of karma, but have we truly seen its effects? Sir Issac Newton’s third law of motion tells us that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, but with a reaction that is immediate. With karma though, reactions slowly build into the future with consequences that come about when we least expect. In many ways, karma plants a seed in your life and as you sow, so shall you reap. (more…)

In The Key of B: The Day The World Went Away

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I’ve learned in these past six years and since my sister’s recovery from Crohn’s disease, that in life, there are so many fragile things that make us and break us. That breakage includes our hopes, dreams and hearts and when it happens, the wounds inflicted never show on the skin because they run deeper and become more hurtful than anything that ever bleeds. (more…)

In The Key of B: Insensitive

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in·sen·si·tive
/inˈsensitiv/
adjective: showing or feeling no concern for others' feelings
synonyms:heartless, unfeeling, inconsiderate, thoughtless, thick-skinned; 

There will be some days I just don’t know how to feel with everything that’s happened in my life. Today is no different. Today has been extremely weird. I feel like on days like this, the Universe understands and to show its empathy, by bringing rain to show me I’m not alone in the pain I’ve been feeling. Yesterday I was told some news that devastated me. It shook me to the very core and though I began crying during our conversation, afterwards I fell into a stagnant daze. I still sort of am. I’ve only eaten one meal in the last 48 hours and though I feel sick and know I’m teasing my blood sugars, I just don’t feel like eating. I haven’t even cried since. In these last few months I knew something was coming though. I’ve been having terrible nightmares of a certain friend and up till his grand arrival, they have been happening every night. The nightmares have terrified me, rattled my psyche and made me feel absolutely worthless. When we spoke, he suddenly became this aloof stranger. He fed me insensitive lines but between it all, showed a depleting part of who I know he is and for a split second, became the same person I came to adore and admire all those years ago. Nonetheless, like Jekyll and Hyde, he changed face and continued our conversation in an insensitive manner, ending it on a heartbreaking note. I am forever changed. I am lost. I am hurt. I am broken. (more…)